Extracts From “The AIDS Project”
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Scene
Seven.
Scene Eleven.
Dermot Keaney plays “The Condom”, a Kung Fu hero, from the first production of “The AIDS Project”.Scene
Seven.
Scene Eleven.
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Scene
Seven: The Joy of Safe Sex. A press conference. Host: Ladies and Gentlemen, will you please
welcome the authoress of the new best seller "The Joy of Safe Sex",
Mrs. Celia Dybbleby. Enter Celia. She mounts the podium. Celia: Ladies and Gentlemen. In these times of great fear and dread,
these “AIDS times”, we are no longer able to resort to such sexual manuals as
The Joy of Sex or the Kama Sutra.
Instead, I suggest a whole new concept of sexuality in my book about
"Safe Sex": the type of sex where you simply cannot catch AIDS. Press1: Mrs. Dybbleby, your book has come in for
rather a lot of criticism, hasn't it? Celia: Well, I'm glad you asked me that. My book has been criticised as being the
death knell of sexuality in Press2: Yes, Mrs. Dybbleby, but they're hardly
sexual, are they? Celia: I don't know what you mean. Press2: Well, if I could quote from chapter 26,
'Romantic Sex', position number 402: "Take your spouse out to see a good
film. Like Bambi. When you get home, get into separate beds
and go to sleep. You may like to try
sleeping in different rooms because the AIDS virus is really not very nice at
all, and you might catch it.". Celia: Yes? Press2: Well, it's hardly sexual is it? Celia: But it is sound advice. I've said it before and I'll say it again: The
AIDS virus is really not very nice at all, and you might catch it. Press3: What about mutual masturbation? Celia: I beg your pardon? Press3: What about mutual masturbation? Celia: No thank you very much. What if that nasty little AIDS virus should
slip into your body whilst you're not looking? Press3: Mrs. Dybbleby, mutual masturbation is
generally accepted as safe sex. Celia: Is it? Press1: Yes, Mrs. Dybbleby, as is massage;
something that in Chapter Three of your book you advise should be performed
in a radiation suit to prevent, and I quote, "That nasty little AIDS
virus from slipping in through your hands." Celia: You can't be too safe in days like these. Press2: How are you going to deal with the up and
coming lawsuits from men who have bought your book and taken your advice on
putting on a condom Mrs. Dybbleby? Celia: I don't see anything wrong with my advice. Press2: Then allow me to read you your
instructions. "Step one: Put on the condom as advised on the
packet. Step two: Take some fishing wire and tie a tight reef
knot at the base of the condom to ensure that none of that nasty little AIDS
virus can get in or out.". Aren't
three of the lawsuits from garroted men Mrs. Dybbleby? I digress.
"Step Three: Encase the
whole sheathed organ in plaster with an asbestos and fiber-glass seal. Do not have sex until the condom has been
in place at least six days. After sex,
do not remove the condom ever in your life as some of that nasty little AIDS
virus might spill out somewhere." Celia: I think you'll find that the British
Medical Council issue the same advice. Press1: No they don't Mrs. Dybbleby. Celia: Don't they? Press3: No, they don't. Mrs. Dybbleby did you do any research into
HIV at all for your book? Celia: I used my heart and my soul. Compere: And it's a pity she didn't use her
brain. Safe sex isn't so scary, it
just means taking a little more time and showing a little more tenderness and
invention. The thing to avoid is the
exchange of body fluids. That is
except saliva. You can't catch AIDS
from kissing - no-one has ever caught AIDS from kissing. Dry kissing is perfectly safe. Wet or "French" kissing is safe
unless you have open sores or cuts in the mouth. However, what about when you want to have
sex? What options are open to you? Scene
Eleven: Women and AIDS. One half
of the stage (Jaqui and Rod) is a roadside and car, the other (Caroline and
Geoff) is a bedroom at a party. Jaqui pulls up beside Rod. Jaqui: Where are you going? Enter Geoff. Caroline: Where did you go? Rod: I’m just heading south, where are you
going? Jaqui: Rod: Okay.
I’ll go there. Geoff: Just getting a couple of drinks. I thought you might be thirsty. Caroline: I am. They lie down together. Rod attempts to open the car
door. Jaqui: Wait a minute, I hardly know you. Rod: Rod.
Rod Carter. Pleased to meet
you. Jaqui: Why are you hitching so late? Rod: Stupidity?
No, I’ve run out of money and I’ve got to get home as soon as
possible. Jaqui: But I thought you weren’t bothered where
you ended up? Rod: I’m not.
So long as it’s south of here, then at least it’s nearer home. Jaqui: So where do you live? Rod: Look, can we carry on this conversation in
the car? I’m getting soaked. Caroline sits up abruptly. Caroline: No Geoff, I don’t want to? Geoff: Christ!
Why not? Caroline: I’m not on the pill. Geoff: That doesn’t matter. I’ll pull out. Caroline: Wait!
Cathy’s got a durex, I’ll go get one. Geoff: No.
It’s alright. Just forget it. Caroline: What’s the problem? Geoff: They’re awkward, uncomfortable, and
impossible to put on. Look, it’ll be
alright. I promise. Trust me.
I love you. Come on, is it okay
or isn’t it? Rod: Is it okay or isn’t it? Caroline and Jaqui: Why not? A low atonal hum builds in
pitch and volume very slowly. Rod
pulls out a knife. Rod: Pull over. As the hum reaches its
peak Rod cuts Jaqui’s throat. All
scream. Compere: The risk you take when you invite a
stranger into your car is the same as when you invite a stranger into your
body. -------------------------------------------------------------- For
a full script e-mail scripts@jasonorbaum.co.uk |
