Extracts From ďThe AIDS ProjectĒ
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Dermot Keaney plays ďThe CondomĒ, a Kung Fu hero, from the first production of ďThe AIDS ProjectĒ.
A press conference.
††††††††† Host:†† Ladies and Gentlemen, will you please welcome the authoress of the new best seller "The Joy of Safe Sex", Mrs. Celia Dybbleby.
Enter Celia.† She mounts the podium.
††††††††† Celia:†† Ladies and Gentlemen.† In these times of great fear and dread, these ďAIDS timesĒ, we are no longer able to resort to such sexual manuals as The Joy of Sex or the Kama Sutra.† Instead, I suggest a whole new concept of sexuality in my book about "Safe Sex": the type of sex where you simply cannot catch AIDS.
†††††† Press1:†† Mrs. Dybbleby, your book has come in for rather a lot of criticism, hasn't it?
††††††††† Celia:†† Well, I'm glad you asked me that.† My book has been criticised as being the
death knell of sexuality in
†††††† Press2:†† Yes, Mrs. Dybbleby, but they're hardly sexual, are they?
††††††††† Celia:†† I don't know what you mean.
†††††† Press2:†† Well, if I could quote from chapter 26, 'Romantic Sex', position number 402: "Take your spouse out to see a good film.† Like Bambi.† When you get home, get into separate beds and go to sleep.† You may like to try sleeping in different rooms because the AIDS virus is really not very nice at all, and you might catch it.".
††††††††† Celia:†† Yes?
†††††† Press2:†† Well, it's hardly sexual is it?
††††††††† Celia:†† But it is sound advice.† I've said it before and I'll say it again: The AIDS virus is really not very nice at all, and you might catch it.
†††††† Press3:†† What about mutual masturbation?
††††††††† Celia:†† I beg your pardon?
†††††† Press3:†† What about mutual masturbation?
††††††††† Celia:†† No thank you very much.† What if that nasty little AIDS virus should slip into your body whilst you're not looking?
†††††† Press3:†† Mrs. Dybbleby, mutual masturbation is generally accepted as safe sex.
††††††††† Celia:†† Is it?
†††††† Press1:†† Yes, Mrs. Dybbleby, as is massage; something that in Chapter Three of your book you advise should be performed in a radiation suit to prevent, and I quote, "That nasty little AIDS virus from slipping in through your hands."
††††††††† Celia:†† You can't be too safe in days like these.
†††††† Press2:†† How are you going to deal with the up and coming lawsuits from men who have bought your book and taken your advice on putting on a condom Mrs. Dybbleby?
††††††††† Celia:†† I don't see anything wrong with my advice.
†††††† Press2:†† Then allow me to read you your instructions.† "Step one:† Put on the condom as advised on the packet.† Step two:† Take some fishing wire and tie a tight reef knot at the base of the condom to ensure that none of that nasty little AIDS virus can get in or out.".† Aren't three of the lawsuits from garroted men Mrs. Dybbleby?† I digress.† "Step Three:† Encase the whole sheathed organ in plaster with an asbestos and fiber-glass seal.† Do not have sex until the condom has been in place at least six days.† After sex, do not remove the condom ever in your life as some of that nasty little AIDS virus might spill out somewhere."
††††††††† Celia:†† I think you'll find that the British Medical Council issue the same advice.
†††††† Press1:†† No they don't Mrs. Dybbleby.
††††††††† Celia:†† Don't they?
†††††† Press3:†† No, they don't.† Mrs. Dybbleby did you do any research into HIV at all for your book?
††††††††† Celia:†† I used my heart and my soul.
†† Compere:†† And it's a pity she didn't use her brain.† Safe sex isn't so scary, it just means taking a little more time and showing a little more tenderness and invention.† The thing to avoid is the exchange of body fluids.† That is except saliva.† You can't catch AIDS from kissing - no-one has ever caught AIDS from kissing.† Dry kissing is perfectly safe.† Wet or "French" kissing is safe unless you have open sores or cuts in the mouth.† However, what about when you want to have sex?† What options are open to you?
Scene Eleven: Women and AIDS.
One half of the stage (Jaqui and Rod) is a roadside and car, the other (Caroline and Geoff) is a bedroom at a party.
Jaqui pulls up beside Rod.
††††††††† Jaqui:†† Where are you going?
†††† Caroline:†† Where did you go?
†††††††††† Rod:†† Iím just heading south, where are you going?
†††††††††† Rod:†† Okay.† Iíll go there.
†††††††† Geoff:†† Just getting a couple of drinks.† I thought you might be thirsty.
†††† Caroline:†† I am.
They lie down together.
Rod attempts to open the car door.
††††††††† Jaqui:†† Wait a minute, I hardly know you.
†††††††††† Rod:†† Rod.† Rod Carter.† Pleased to meet you.
††††††††† Jaqui:†† Why are you hitching so late?
†††††††††† Rod:†† Stupidity?† No, Iíve run out of money and Iíve got to get home as soon as possible.
††††††††† Jaqui:†† But I thought you werenít bothered where you ended up?
†††††††††† Rod:†† Iím not.† So long as itís south of here, then at least itís nearer home.
††††††††† Jaqui:†† So where do you live?
†††††††††† Rod:†† Look, can we carry on this conversation in the car?† Iím getting soaked.
Caroline sits up abruptly.
†††† Caroline:†† No Geoff, I donít want to?
†††††††† Geoff:†† Christ!† Why not?
†††† Caroline:†† Iím not on the pill.
†††††††† Geoff:†† That doesnít matter.† Iíll pull out.
†††† Caroline:†† Wait!† Cathyís got a durex, Iíll go get one.
†††††††† Geoff:†† No.† Itís alright.† Just forget it.
†††† Caroline:†† Whatís the problem?
†††††††† Geoff:†† Theyíre awkward, uncomfortable, and impossible to put on.† Look, itíll be alright.† I promise.† Trust me.† I love you.† Come on, is it okay or isnít it?
†††††††††† Rod:†† Is it okay or isnít it?
Caroline and Jaqui: Why not?
A low atonal hum builds in pitch and volume very slowly.† Rod pulls out a knife.
†††††††††† Rod:†† Pull over.
As the hum reaches its peak Rod cuts Jaquiís throat.† All scream.
†† Compere:†† The risk you take when you invite a stranger into your car is the same as when you invite a stranger into your body.††††††††
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